We made a huge, awful, hurting decision today. We are closing our fostering license.
It's something we've been thinking about for awhile now. We aren't happy with the way the agency treats us. I, in particular, have a hard time being...open with kids. Let me explain.
I grew up thinking that I was an inconvenience to my mother, and raising my sister (as best I could). When I parent children, all I know how to show is irritated or businesslike. I'm not good at connecting with the kids. I can't let them in. I'm cold an impersonal or fake.
I feel like such a failure. My husband has wanted to be a dad forever. I feel like I've taken this away from him. But he said that he would rather have me happy and no kids than miserable with kids. I just can't help but feeling like I've forced him to make an impossible choice.
We're ending our bid for the other family, too. We talked about it, and realised that we'd fallen in love with the idea of kids. We don't know much about the family, besides an online profile. Our main emotional connection happened in our heads, our fantasies.
I'm feeling relieved, a bit, because parenting was such a struggle. I had to fake nice, fake concern, fake caring. When I felt like the kids were sapping my energy, my time, my husband's attention.
I feel like a horrible person for admitting this. I was raised that motherhood is what women do. And here I am, having opted for no kids in 2 different ways. First, through infertility. Now for not fostering.
I feel like I gave up. Could I have warmed to kids? Could I eventually learn to love them? I don't know. Truthfully, I'm sure it will take years of therapy for me to work through the issues in my head.
But at the end of the day, I was a foster parent for all of 8 months, and couldn't hack it. Maybe my mom was right, and I just wasn't mother material.