Monday, April 21, 2014

Sh*t Has Hit

I apologise for not posting the book review. But my life has taken an interesting turn and I've been processing.
   Regular readers know that I had a sister who died last September. What I didn't say is that I have another sister, technically. Mom gave her up for adoption right after she was born. I've known about her since I was 18, and have been in contact with her (infrequently) since 2009.
   When Justin and I first got married, she told me that she was pregnant and wanted to give the baby to us. Her adoptive mom was dying of cancer, and persuaded her to keep it, but not after months of us preparing and planning for this child-right on the heels of my miscarriage. Needless to say, this broke my heart and I haven't talked to her since.
   She contacted me last week, saying that she knows now that we are sisters, not cousins (as her mom insisted I tell her. She took that secret to her death bed, and it was only recently that it was divulged). She has questions that she wants answered, and she wants to have a relationship with me, as sisters.
   I don't know what to do. Part of me wants a sister again, even if we didn't grow up as such. And part of me is still so angry that she changed her mind about the baby. I have so many mixed emotions, and so little idea of what I want. I feel like she deserves to have her questions answered. I just have no clue.

8 comments:

  1. Processing your life is FAR more important than writing about Michael Pearl's bat-shit crazy world view.

    You are facing an incredibly complicated situation and there is no hurry to make any decisions about what kind of relationship you want with your other sister. Just what you've outlined in this post is worth a few sessions with your therapist - between any grief that appeared from your sister's death, the loss of your biological baby, the loss of your adoptive baby, the web of lies spun by her adoptive mother (sheesh...like that was never going to unravel)....that's a lot of crap to work through.

    There's a whole range of levels of relationships from exchanging an email every now and again through being as close as sisters and YOU have the right to choose any of those levels.

    Hang in there. I'm thinking of you and sending positive thoughts and energy your way.

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    1. Thank you so much for your positive thoughts and energy! They've really helped.

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  2. Wow, what a lot to deal with! Whatever you decide I hope it will be based on what is best for you and not what you feel you owe someone else. And obviously you don't have to make an all or nothing choice. You could still try to help her find answers to her questions but maintain your distance. You could tell her that you're not ready to deal with another sister relationship just yet but that things may change once you've worked through some of your grief (for both Stef and the baby). I hope you'll find a solution that feels right for you.

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  3. What a complicated situation. Angela and NatureLover make some really great points. I bet that outside influences are pressuring you to make decisions based on their timeline but please take the time YOU need to work all this through to the correct conclusion for you and your family. Keeping you in my thoughts.

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    1. Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate it.

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  4. I agree with what has been said. If she feels her questions are imperative, email is quite useful for that sort of thing. But if they are deep "why" questions, you are not obligated to try to give her answers that you can only speculate about as well. Give her any basic info she wishes to have via email or even snail mail, but don't be afraid to say that you can't answer her deeper questions or have a relationship until you process all of it for yourself and decide if you want that.

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