There is a movie played in Mormon temples. One of the lines that I remember best has been running through my head for the past week.
Let me give some background. Adam and Eve have just been ejected from the Garden of Eden, and Satan is hanging about, generally being a pest. Adam asks about receiving more knowledge from God. Satan then replies: "You want someone to preach to you. You want religion, do you?"
This has been in my head for awhile now, because I am realising that yes, I do need religion. Throughout the last few months, I have stopped studying Wicca, and attending the Unitarian church. Part of it was laziness, part of it was a need to detox a bit from my Mormon experience, part of it is emotional exhaustion from foster kids, and part of it is the Unitarian church is an hour away.
I've written a bit before of being emotionally overwhelmed, and I am starting to think part of that is due to an absence of spirituality. Mormonism isn't just a religion, it's a lifestyle. There's church on Sundays, weekly activities for youth, social activities on Saturdays, ladies meetings on Thursdays, feeding missionaries, temple trips, baptisms...just a lot of energy and time involved. Now that I've stopped attending the LDS church, I don't know where or how to put my spiritual energy.
Mormonism (and even Wicca, when I was learning/practicing) gave me a way to feel like life was more than random chance. Want something very badly? Pray or perform a spell/ritual and perhaps the powers that be will make that work for you. Now, I've found myself asking a generic universe. I feel powerless. I feel...very small and alone.
I miss feeling a part of something bigger. Churches, religion, often give one purpose. Spreading the "true gospel", becoming more attuned with nature, or making the world better. Just things that are bigger than one's self. I crave that. Because so much of my life now is monotonous, unchanging housewifery. Laundry in-laundry out, cleaning, cooking, helping kids with homework.
I want to feel part of something bigger. Something that makes me feel like I am more than just a cooking/cleaning automaton. I want friends, and a way to connect with people. I want to believe in deity that will have a connection with me.
Unlike Adam, I'm not waiting for "further light and knowledge from [God]". I guess I'm just waiting to give myself permission.