Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Terrified

  My sister's memorial is Saturday. It's been a month since she died. It's weird. Even though we weren't close, there have always been times when I would see something and think of her. Or have a random thought and text her. She'd always been a part of my life, even when we thought we hated each other. I've patched things up with my mom. I told her how her actions made me feel. She apologised and we're trying to be more open with each other. Except where step-dad is concerned. (Minor tangent-single mothers, if a man says he never wanted kids, don't marry him. It will just make everyone miserable) But I don't see my relationship with him changing any.
   I'm terrified of going to the memorial. Not because I was planning on singing. Not because it will be emotional. I'm afraid of going because I'm scared my biological father will be there. I've seen him maybe 6 months worth since I was 5. He's the one that sexually abused me (and possibly Stef. She remembered even less than I do). He's the one that would hit us with his belt because we wouldn't go to sleep. He's the one that was a mean drunk. He's the reason that I, as a 4 year old, would wonder why mom was crying in the next room. He's the one who would "pet" my braids as they lay on my chest (when I was 17).
   The only good memory I have of him is when I was 3 or 4, and he took me fishing by myself.  The more I think about him, the more metal doors slam shut in my mind. I'm 27 years old, and terrified of a man I haven't seen in a decade.
   I'm seriously debating not going, on the chance he'll show up. He's called my mom's house, my step-dad's work, even the church. I'm afraid he'll show up, and what I will do if he does. He's called me a liar (and worse) for accusing him of sexual abuse. Not that I've pressed charges. Just in a previous blog, I mentioned that though my memories of any abuse aren't there, there's enough evidence that there had been in the past. And once, I listened to a weight-loss self-hypnosis CD. It said think back to when the overeating began. My mind flew to the bathroom that we shared when I visited him when I was 8. I remembered being in the bathtub, and then BANG! Metal door slammed shut, and I had a panic attack.  I literally gained 30 lbs that summer I was with him. And I haven't stopped gaining since.
  I'm not just terrified. I'm angry. I'm angry at my mom who won't file harassment or stalking charges against him. I'm angry at my step-dad who told my dad about my miscarriage and about my wedding and about  my life. I'm angry that nobody protected me when I was little, and they're not doing it now. I realize I should protect and stand up for myself. But every time I think about him, I turn into a scared little girl again. A hurt little girl. And that's what pisses me off the most.
   I don't want to hurt my mom by not going to the memorial. But I don't want to undo the psychological progress I've made in the last few years. I feel like I'm finally in a good spot, mentally, and I don't want to jeopardize it. I don't want to feel like I've abandoned Stef one last time. I don't want to be governed by fear. I don't want to see him again.
   I just don't know what to do.
 

6 comments:

  1. Hugs, hugs, hugs. You should not be having to deal with this. I'm sorry that you are. Please make the healthiest decision for you and don't allow anyone to guilt you into anything less. Also, memorials are for the living not the dead. If you do not attend you will not abandon or harm your sister in any way.

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  2. I agree with Angela 100% (seems to be a trend). The best way to stand up for yourself is to make the best decision for you. Can your husband go with you?

    Perhaps you and just your mom could have a private memorial with literally just the two of you. She may agree to that, especially if you explain that you're just not prepared to be so emotional in front of all the people that may be at the memorial on Saturday. Offer to take her to lunch or a park so that the two of you can remember Stef.

    Your sister knows you are not abandoning her. Hugs to you, dear lady.

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    1. Yeah. I'm learning Angela is usually right, so I agree with her all the time, too! Yes, my husband will go with me, but I'm still so terrified of this man. Thank you for your support.

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    2. Thanks for the vote of confidence ladies but I'm actually more of a know-it-all than someone who actually knows it all. Good luck to you. Would it be realistic for you to enlist family members who could act as bouncers in case he shows? Or at the very least buffers who make sure he stays on the opposite side of the room as you? I hope you won't hesitate to leave if you need to. I'll be thinking of you.

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    3. Besides me, my family (and husband) are all string beans. :(
      I'm hoping that -if he shows- there will be enough people that I can escape. I don't think I'm ready to confront him. Thanks for the good thoughts.

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