I'm hurt and confused and conflicted and angry. On the trip to Spokane, when my stepdad and I would fight, my mom wouldn't stick up for me, wouldn't defend me, and would blame me for starting things. (That last part was true about half the time, I'll be honest).
Her love language is gifts; she was always spending money on my sister and I. Buying us nice clothes, toys, etc when we were little. She worked a lot and wasn't often around (I was a 1st grade latchkey kid), so she tried to make up for it with money. When we got older, she never said no to things. Even going into extreme credit card debt because she would spend more on us than she made. To this day, I have a hard time managing money because I was never taught anything but instant gratification. I'm 27, and she still pays my student loan, buys us groceries, and goes crazy overboard at Christmas.
Since we got back on Friday, I haven't talked to her because my feelings were hurt. She's tried to call and email a few times, but I was sorting through my feelings. On the drive back Friday, I went back and forth with just being done with her. Because I need more than just money, if that makes sense. I want to be treated like an adult. I want her to respect me and take me seriously. I want her to spend time with me doing fun things, like she did with my sister. I want...to matter to her, and to know it.
So today, she texted me and said she loved me and was thinking about me. I responded with: "if you love me, then please try showing it in a way that doesn't involve you throwing money at me and thinking your job as a parent is done. perhaps by sticking up for me with [stepdad]. or not treating me like an inconvenience. especially as i gave up a week of my time, and my van to support you through the stephanie mess."
She replied with "I thank you for your assist, and time."
I don't know where to go from here. I wanted so much more than what she gave. I wanted an apology, an explanation, a...something. I don't know. In so many other places in my life, I've said "If they are bringing me down, then F them." I have no long term relationships because I drop people like hot potatoes. And this is something I've considered time and again with my mom. But now I am really leaning towards being done with her, as horrible as that sounds.
I can't have a conversation with her that is anything more than slightly superficial. I can't talk about my feelings, I can't talk about the hurts I have and the pain I'm going through. I couldn't talk to her when I was a kid; I suffered through an abusive teacher for years before she wondered my grades in those classes were so low. I can't talk to her about my bipolar, or recovering from abuse. I can't talk to her about how I felt cheated out of a childhood. I can talk about how irritated I am about the foster kid situation. If I need money, she'll give it, or buy us groceries or something. But I think I deserve more.
On the other hand, part of me feels like I should go easy on her because she won't change. I know that she's still trying to recover from an extremely abusive childhood, an abusive first marriage, and a difficult marriage with my stepdad. I logically understand she can't give me what I need, but emotionally, I can't stop myself from resenting her for it.
I just don't know what to do.