Thursday, September 5, 2013

Emotionally Overwhelmed

I know I said I'm taking the week off, but things have been so crazy, I have to process through them.  Writing sometimes helps.
   I was in a car wreck Wednesday.  I think both cars ended up being totaled, and one person (not me) went to the hospital.  I've never been driving during a car wreck before, and it was really scary.  The insurance company is still trying to figure out who's at fault.  We both claim it was a green light, though the other guy (and his 4 passengers) say that I ran a red. So we'll see how that goes.  I'm physically ok, except for some bruises and aches, but am still mentally having a hard time dealing with things.  It's really disconcerting to me to feel powerless, and even worse to consider that I may have caused the whole thing.  Everytime I think about the wreck-and it's a lot, because I'm giving my statement here there and everywhere-I'm full of anxiety and fear.  What if the person who went to the hospital died? What if I caused it and they sue me?  I'm driving myself crazy with these "what-ifs", but I can't shut them off.
   Because the car is now dead (grateful for full coverage), we're down to 1 car.  This isn't really an issue since I'm unemployed and we don't have any kids yet.  Hopefully the insurance will be enough to cover the rest of the loan.  Unfortunately, this means we have to buy a new car.  And, normally, buying things without money doesn't really work.  My hot-wiring skills aren't what they used to be, I'm afraid. :)
   I went back down to my old dosage, because I wasn't handling the med increase well.  I would blank out for a few minutes and not remember what happened, or I would sleep for 16 hours a day and still be tired.  It's unnerving to think how much of my behaviour/actions is caused by the meds.  And even scarier to realize how much of my behaviour is caused by the bipolar.  Don't get me wrong-I'm extremely grateful for the emotional regulation my Seroquel gives me. I just wish that some of the side effects were less severe.
   On another note, my mom figured out that my husband and I no longer consider ourselves LDS.  She came over Thursday to hang out with me and make sure I was OK after the wreck, and noticed our clothesline and the conspicuous lack of temple garments hanging there.  The first thing she said when she walked in the house is "Do you guys not wear garments anymore?"  Of course, I told her that we are done with Mormonism; how it wasn't a good fit for us.  She was suprisingly accepting.  She only said "It's your choice."  When I told her that I was expecting more of a reaction, all I was told was that she knew I'd been unsatisfied with the church and that we hadn't been going, so she wasn't shocked that we were done.  I have to admit, I didn't realize she was that observant/ that I was so obvious with my displeasure.  But it's still good to not have that as a secret.  I haven't told her that I'm researching Wicca, but did tell her about visiting a Unitarian Universalist church.  Overall, she seemed disappointed about my deconversion, but not as guilt-trippy or as angry as I thought she'd be.
   Our temporary foster-care license should be in next week.  But even more exciting, there is a family we were looking into (3 kids; 13,8, and 4).  Their workers are arranging a meeting with them and us some Sunday this month.  It seems to be happening so fast, but I'm scared they won't like us, or we won't like them or something.  From what we know, they would be compatible with our personalities and routines.  And of course they have some behavioural issues.  Every kid does, but especially those from the system.  We are confident we can deal with their quirks, but it's still nerve-wracking.  We've been trying since January to get licensed, so it's been a huge source of stress.
   I had a meeting with a psychologist to see about me getting officially tested for bipolar/ADHD.  During the pre-testing interview, she mentioned how the test would cost $1000 out of pocket, because our insurance is crappy.  So it looks like I won't be officially tested.  She did say, however, that I have pretty much textbook Bipolar II, therefore they will continue to medicate/treat me for thus. The ADHD is a different story.  Apparently it mimics bipolar, so it really needs to be officially tested.  And even after the test, treating ADHD usually makes bipolar manic phases worse, so that would be another game of Pharmaceutical Roulette.

   There's just been so many huge emotions packed into these last 3 days that I don't know what to do or how to feel.  It's been such a roller coaster that I am just burnt out and want nothing more than to cry into my pillow and hide in bed for a week or two.  It's crazy how much can happen in a short amount of time; both the good and the bad. I just don't know how much more of this up/down I can take. Ugh.
   Anyway, thanks for listening. I hope things with y'all are going well.


  1. Oh goodness... I'm thankful you're not hurt too badly, I'm thankful you had decent car insurance. I'm thankful you have even one car, I'm thankful you're working out medications to help you, I'm thankful your mom loves you no matter what, I'm thankful your moving closer to sharing your love with a larger family and I'm thankful you have a doctor that listens.

    What a crazy roller-coaster you've been riding, remember to breath.

    1. Thank you for helping me to see the good in all the crazy. You always know exactly what to say. :)

  2. Wow, I have no advice or words of wisdom to impart. I just hope you can hang in there until the storms blow over. I imagine that if you can get through this you can handle just about anything. Good luck to you!

  3. I know I'm just some random commenter, but I'm glad everyone seems to be okay.

    Slightly off-topic, but one upside to this could be the opportunity to permanently downsize to one car. It can be a difficult transition, but it's hard to fathom how much of a money pit cars are until you see that money piling up in your checking account.